Your first instincts will be to want to get them back. A breakup is like a death and you will find that you go through the stages of a grieving process such as denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally, acceptance. Denial is always the first stage and, if you are like most people, you will not want to admit that the relationship is over.
Getting past the four grief stages and getting to acceptance is crucial to bouncing back. There are also two other stages of breakup grief that you must move past before you are ready to bounce back and these will be discussed later in the book. For now, let’s concentrate on things that you shouldn’t do that will only prolong the “denial” stage.
- Call him or her repeatedly· Threaten suicide (some people play on the guilt factor and this rarely works)
- Leave scores of messages for them on their voice mail
- Send them countless e-mails pouring out your heart
- Contact their friends and family members
- Send them flowers or gifts (you are wasting your money)
- Go to their place of work or where they hang out
- Go to their house “just to talk.”
Not only will the above actions not get you the results that you want (which is to reunite you with your lover), they may, if continued, end up with you getting a restraining order against you. At the very least, they will end up costing you time and money.
Years ago, before the term “stalking” began to be used for just about any type of romantic pursuit, people behaved this way until it got out of hand. Because of some tragic events such as people getting murdered by their stalkers, this behavior got more notice from the community. Prior to anti-stalking laws, a person could follow another around all they wanted and as long as they didn’t physically harm them, there was nothing the court or police could do.
Today, however, if you continue such a practice, you may find yourself in court charged with stalking and have a restraining order issued against you. This will probably give you the hint that your former lover is no longer interested.
Getting dumped is shattering to your ego, but it happens to everyone. You do not need to add to the humiliation by punishing yourself further with incessant phone calls, texting, e-mails and personal visits to your ex lover.
Resist the urge to contact your ex. It will merely be painful for you and uncomfortable for them. There is absolutely nothing you can do to control the feelings of another person. You can only control your own feelings and emotions. No matter how many times you call them, or drive past their house, it is not going to change things for the better. In most cases, your ex lover will end up getting even more turned off and will begin referring to you as his or her “stalker.”
Talking about the breakup, trying to get “closure,” feeling that he or she “owes” you an explanation are all a waste of time. You are running on negative emotions and are stuck in the “denial” phase of the break up process. If you are to ever move on, you have to learn to relinquish the past and reject self destructive behavior.
This is not to say that you should not grieve. Grieve. Cry. Turn to friends for comfort. You got dumped and you are allowed to throw yourself a little pity party. Note the word “little.” You do not have to throw yourself a full blown pity party that will disgust your family andfriends. Grieve briefly and then get yourself ready to move on.
While you are throwing yourself a pity party and crying to your friends, remember that pity is one step away from ridicule. Do you really want everyone you know “feeling sorry for you” all the time? Of course not. But if you’re human, you are going to want to cry and vent your feelings. And this is an excellent time to lean on other people who, hopefully, you have allowed to lean on you.
By now you should know what “not” to do after you get dumped. Later we will talk about what you should do. But first, we need to address another problem and that’s what it referred to as the “rocking soda machine” effect.
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