The "Rocking The Soda Machine" Effect

The term “rocking soda machine” is borrowed from the hit television show “Seinfeld,” as Jerry Seinfeld claimed that breaking up was always like rocking a soda machine back and forth. This means that it is difficult to actually “end it.” Particularly if the relationship has been a long one. People tend to get comfortable in relationships, even if they no longer love or even like the other party. It is difficult for most people to give up that comfort level.

Hence, the rocking soda machine starts. You get dumped and all of a sudden, the dumper calls you and appears to be having second thoughts. You take this as a signal that he or she wants to reunite and get yourself all hyped up for a reunion.

In some cases, a reunion does occur. In even some rare cases, the relationship ends up working out. Relationships are like fingerprints - no two are exactly alike. In a good percentage of the cases, however, the same old problems that broke you up in the first place are going to break you up again.

Some people try to “remain friends” in an effort to still have their freedom but have the option of going back with their ex lover if they find out that the grass is not greener elsewhere. This behavior keeps the soda machine rocking back and forth as it is impossible to stay together, but hard to break those ties that bind.

The worst part about the soda machine effect is that your ex lover will most likely call you just as you are beginning to heal. You are on the mend and although still a little hurt, you are ready to move on. In some cases, a chance meeting will be the reason for the call. In others, a holiday, such as Christmas, is the excuse they will give for calling you.

When this occurs, you end up going right back into the same trap and, in most cases, end up getting dumped again. This time it hurts even more. The only good thing about the rocking soda machine effect is that after a while, you get used to the behavior, it hurts less and you finally start to get angry.

If you are experiencing the rocking soda machine effect, ask yourself one question: “If it didn’t work the first time, what makes you think it will work out the second time? Or the third?” You are better off to just give that soda machine a good push and send it landing on the ground. Rocking soda machines can go on for years and can keep you from meeting someone who really does care for you.

3. What Not To Do

So, the dumping has commenced and you feel as though your lover has taken out your heart with a rusty blade, chopped it up, fried it and served it to you for breakfast. This is a natural way to think. Physical pain is nothing compared to the pain from a breakup.

Your first instincts will be to want to get them back. A breakup is like a death and you will find that you go through the stages of a grieving process such as denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally, acceptance. Denial is always the first stage and, if you are like most people, you will not want to admit that the relationship is over.

Getting past the four grief stages and getting to acceptance is crucial to bouncing back. There are also two other stages of breakup grief that you must move past before you are ready to bounce back and these will be discussed later in the book. For now, let’s concentrate on things that you shouldn’t do that will only prolong the “denial” stage.

• Call him or her repeatedly· Threaten suicide (some people play on the guilt factor and this rarely works)
• Leave scores of messages for them on their voice mail
• Send them countless e-mails pouring out your heart
• Contact their friends and family members
• Send them flowers or gifts (you are wasting your money)
• Go to their place of work or where they hang out
• Go to their house “just to talk.”
  

Not only will the above actions not get you the results that you want (which is to reunite you with your lover), they may, if continued, end up with you getting a restraining order against you. At the very least, they will end up costing you time and money.

Years ago, before the term “stalking” began to be used for just about any type of romantic pursuit, people behaved this way until it got out of hand. Because of some tragic events such as people getting murdered by their stalkers, this behavior got more notice from the community. Prior to anti-stalking laws, a person could follow another around all they wanted and as long as they didn’t physically harm them, there was nothing the court or police could do.

Today, however, if you continue such a practice, you may find yourself in court charged with stalking and have a restraining order issued against you. This will probably give you the hint that your former lover is no longer interested.

Getting dumped is shattering to your ego, but it happens to everyone. You do not need to add to the humiliation by punishing yourself further with incessant phone calls, texting, e-mails and personal visits to your ex lover.

Resist the urge to contact your ex. It will merely be painful for you and uncomfortable for them. There is absolutely nothing you can do to control the feelings of another person. You can only control your own feelings and emotions. No matter how many times you call them, or drive past their house, it is not going to change things for the better. In most cases, your ex lover will end up getting even more turned off and will begin referring to you as his or her “stalker.”

Talking about the breakup, trying to get “closure,” feeling that he or she “owes” you an explanation are all a waste of time. You are running on negative emotions and are stuck in the “denial” phase of the break up process. If you are to ever move on, you have to learn to relinquish the past and reject self destructive behavior.

This is not to say that you should not grieve. Grieve. Cry. Turn to friends for comfort. You got dumped and you are allowed to throw yourself a little pity party. Note the word “little.” You do not have to throw yourself a full blown pity party that will disgust your family andfriends. Grieve briefly and then get yourself ready to move on.

While you are throwing yourself a pity party and crying to your friends, remember that pity is one step away from ridicule. Do you really want everyone you know “feeling sorry for you” all the time? Of course not. But if you’re human, you are going to want to cry and vent your feelings. And this is an excellent time to lean on other people who, hopefully, you have allowed to lean on you.

By now you should know what “not” to do after you get dumped. Later we will talk about what you should do. But first, we need to address another problem and that’s what it referred to as the “rocking soda machine” effect.

Signs You Are About To Get Dumped

Sometimes you know when you’re about to get dumped and sometimes it just comes out of left field. Either way, it hurts. It is often better not to know so you don’t start getting clingy and behaving irrational, thus dispelling any doubts your lover has about getting rid of you.

Some signs that you are about to get dumped include the following:

He or she suddenly has a new hobby or new friends.
You were looking forward to the end of their football season with the
guys when he said he was going to be able to spend more time with
you , only to find out he joined a basketball club. Or she met her long
lost friend from high school at the supermarket and now needs to go
out with her every Friday night.

New hobbies or friends usually indicate someone else in their life. Or
the fact that they just need some breathing room. If you are like most
people, you will begin to panic and become even more clingy. You
may even start following him or her to see if they are truly going to
basketball or with their friend.

Whether or not they actually have a new friend or hobby is
inconsequential. Something tipped you off that all was not well before
they even mentioned this. If you had full trust in your partner, you
wouldn’t even be concerned about the new friend or hobby. Chances
are that you felt them pulling away from you prior to this
announcement.


He or she is suddenly too busy to call you.

This happens to everyone. You may talk to your significant other on the phone every day and then one day….viola! They are no where to be found. This may be due to some emergency. But if they are calling you less and less, guess what? It means that they are thinking about you less and less as well.

This is very circumstantial, however. If the two of you live together, for example, then the other party may just be comfortable in the relationship to realize that they don’t have to be on call 24/7. If you have only been dating for a few months this could indicate a loss of interest.

You can combat this by simply not answering the phone and playing the same game when he or she calls. But you won’t. Chances are that you will begin calling the other party. Repeatedly. Thus hastening the breakup that was, sadly inevitable anyway.


He or she gives you verbal hints.

“I don’t want to hurt you,” may be said in the middle of a conversation. This is a big clue that someone is concerned enough about your feelings that they want to lower the boom gently. They don’t want to let the breakup be a shock, but they know that the relationship isn’t going to work, even if you don’t. There are a variety of verbal hints that people give to “prepare” the other party for the inevitable breakup.

Most of us don’t listen to the verbal hints. It is like someone is putting up a danger sign on the highway and flagging us to pull over, but we continue ahead at full speed as if we didn’t even see them. When we get dumped, we’re shocked. We act like we were blindsided. We weren’t - we just refused to listen to the verbal hints.


He or she gives you physical clues.

They pull away from you in an embrace. They are no longer interested in being intimate with you. They spend less and less time with you and appear impatient. They exhibit body language designed to keep you at bay. They do not look you in the eye when they speak to you. We can learn a lot about people by observing their body language. In most cases, a person who sits open towards us, looks us in the eye when they speak and touches you during the conversation is interested in you. Those who move away as if you have a raging case of leprosy, are generally uninterested.

Do we look at the physical clues and pay heed? No - we are too wrapped up into what we are feeling to pay attention. Again, when the dumping ensues, we act as if we’ve been the victims of a surprise attack. We haven’t been. We just refused to spot the physical clues.


He or she doesn’t call you or return your calls

This is a good indication that they are not interested in you but don’t have the guts to dump you. Most men and women are not sadistic and would rather have their teeth pulled out by pliers than tell someone that they don’t want to see them anymore. Men are way worse at dumping than women. Women learn as little girls how to really rip out someone’s heart as it’s practiced on playgrounds everywhere. Little girls are probably the meanest creatures there are - they would give Castro a run for his money. However, as we grow in to adults, we soften and realize that it’s not okay to be nasty to other people. To their face.

Women usually have no problem telling a guy they don’t want to see them anymore. They will simply say “I don’t want to see you anymore, leave me alone.” The odd thing is that some men seem to take this as an act that the woman is playing “coy” or “hard to get” and continue to pester her. Until she gets a restraining order. This is not to say that women seek to hurt a man’s feelings. This is far from truth. Timing is everything in a relationship from a woman’s standpoint, too. Women are most apt to give hints and try to end the relationship gradually, without hurting the man’s feelings. Although women can be cruel as children, they are also taught not to offend. It will take a while for a woman to dump a man, but chances are that she will be direct when he continues to take the hints.

Most men would rather face a firing squad than talk about a relationship much less end one. If you have ever been to the house of a single man, you may notice that he has everything he has ever owned, including the trophy he won from the science fair when he was in the 5thGrade. This is because men hate to toss out anything - particularly women who were at one time willing to have sex with them.

Because of this, men are more apt to do the “no call” routine when breaking up. They hope that by not calling you, you will just leave them alone until they decide they want you again. Most women take exception to this strategy and demand an explanation. Men rarely tell a woman that they “never want to see them anymore,” unless something drastic has occurred. In most cases, a man will dance around any sort of commitment to breaking up better than Muhammad Ali ever could in a boxing match.

You know before it happens, in your heart, that you are about to get dumped. Although you have refused to acknowledge the hints or actions of the other individual, your subconscious picked up on them and you know that something is wrong. Still, getting dumped always comes like a knife in the heart. In most cases, however, it is merely the coup de grace after a long duel.

Getting dumped

Probably one of the worst pain imaginable is when the man or woman
of your dreams tells you that they don’t want to see you anymore.
Few things in life hurt like this. Most people would rather take a
physical beating than face the pain of a breakup. At least they know
the physical beating will heal. Breakups? Sometimes it takes them
years to heal. And many people never get over the breakup.

By saying that you may never get over the breakup does not imply
that you are doomed to suffer for the rest of your life while pining
away for the person who broke your heart. No, you will move on. But
never again without that certain bit of fear that it could end at a
moment’s notice as we realize nothing in life is guaranteed.

It is often said the only true love we ever experience is our first love.
It is the only time we walk into a relationship totally innocent of the
pain of getting dumped and the only time we give our hearts so freely,
without fear. After that, we always put up a little bit of a guard.

In addition to the pain of getting dumped, there is also the humiliation
aspect. Most of us feel that when someone tells us they don’t want to
see us anymore, it is because of something that is wrong with us. We
are not good looking enough. We did something that offended them.
If only we did not say “x.” What can we do to change ourselves so
that he or she will come back?

If you learn nothing else from this blog, learn this: It’s not your fault.
Do not look at this as a personal rejection, as difficult as that can be.
Take a cue from “Seinfeld’s” George Costanza: It’s not you, it’s them.

Bad timing is the main reason for breakups. One person is simply not
ready for a serious relationship while the other is thinking of wedding
invitations. Relationships are like comedy - timing is everything.
When both people are in different points in their lives, the relationship
does not come to fruition.

While timing is the main reason for breakups, as well as the most
frustrating for those who get dumped (oh, why didn’t we meet at a
different time), other reasons why people break up are the following:

• Outside influences such as children and parents.
  They can’t get along with your parents or your children. Or your children hate them and throw eggs at their house. Yes, this will cause a breakup of a weak relationship. This is a blessing in disguise. Unless you plan on killing off your family members for this guy or gal, don’t cry too much over this breakup. Sadly enough, there are those people in history who actually have killed off family members and children to be with the man or woman of their dreams. Two recent examples are Diane Downs and Susan Smith.

• Ex girlfriends or boyfriends tugging at their heart.
  This really relates to timing, but prohibits people from moving ahead with their
  lives as they continue to waffle back and forth between the present
  and the past. The ex girlfriend or boyfriend keeps coming back into
  their lives and making it difficult for them to decide “what they
  want.”

• Too many cultural differences.
  It may be fun to date someone outside of the normal little pool of local fish, but it can be difficult to blend cultures, particularly as we get older.

• Someone grew and the other didn’t.
  Did someone recently change jobs? Get a promotion? Realize a dream? If this is the case, they may have simply outgrown the relationship and have gone on to a different plane.

• Physical distance.
  A long distance romance may seem romantic, but it can also take a toll on a relationship. One of the bonuses of being in a relationship is the prospect of being able to share
  something with your significant other in person. You get a raise at work and you want someone with whom you can celebrate. This is tough to do if he’s in California and you’re in Virginia.
  

• Fickleness.
  You lost your job, gained weight or began to experience health problems. Or they found someone better. Some people are just fickle. They’re really doing you a favor by breaking
  up with you as a relationship with someone like this is simply not worth your time.

While some of the above cause break-ups, most of it is all related to
timing. There have been books, plays and films written about star crossed lovers. Romeo and Juliet is probably one of the more famous. You are in good company, most of us, at one point in our life, have fallen in love with the right person at the wrong time.

When the breakup first happens, you feel as though you got punched
in the stomach. You experience both physical and emotional pain.
Unless your heart is made of stone, you will probably cry. You may
miss time off of work and school. You will not feel like “going on”
without the love of your life.

Sadly, many people actually take their own lives because of such a
scenario. Most of us who are older and wiser realize that there is no
man or woman on earth that is worthy of our suicide. Or of us being
so hurt that we end up bitter and angry over the rest of our lives.

Unless you want to end up like Miss Haversham, who was the angry,
bitter and twisted jilted bride in Charles Dickens’ “Great Expectations,”
you will want to bounce back from the breakup. This takes a little bit
of time and there are some definite dos and don’ts when it comes to
bouncing back after a breakup. Here you can learn how you can learn
to heal, laugh, live and love again.